It takes quite a lot to make me cry.  I am generally a very upbeat and positive kind of person!  Even when my cup is half-empty, I tend to see half-full.  Don't get me wrong...I have had plenty of disappointments and challenges in my life.  However, I have typically been able to turn to God, let go of the load, and realize that He is on the throne when the waves of life are over my head!  

Today frustration, aggravation and exhaustion pulled me under and slammed me to the rocky bottom.  I did not even see it coming before I was gasping for air and swallowing water!  We have been praying, waiting, hoping, trusting and doing all we know in the natural realm to see our 31 year old daughter well again after at least two years of chronic pain.  She already has learning disabilities as a result of an unforgiving disease called Tuberous Sclerosis, which is yet another story I will not even begin to go into here.  Awhile back Bethany developed severe pain after a lithotripsy procedure for kidney stones (brought on by seizure medications).  She has been in constant pain ever since!  (To add to her difficulties, about 3 months ago, she fell on the stairs in our home and also broke her leg near her ankle and has been in added pain as she is healing from that.)  

During these years of this unexplained pain, we have prayed, believed, trusted, wept, sought and knocked on heaven's door.  We have been to doctors, specialists, pain management centers, and physical therapists.  She has been radiated, agitated, prepped and probed.  We have traveled and travailed, hoped and held fast to promises and progress for her.    

Today we went to yet another doctor, to whose secretary I had explained my daughter's problems over the phone.  We arrived at the medical center, got our "Bessie" into the building - on crutches - which has plenty of challenges all its own, and waited for our turn to be called in to see the doctor.  In the examination room, we were told she was due for an annual check-up, to which I agreed thinking it was a part of the quoted price - particularly after stating again where her pain was located, and thinking a physical check might actually help the doctor to get updated after a few months had gone by.  

While the doc was checking her, we talked about all her symptoms and the great level of pain she constantly experiences, fully expecting some discussion.  A couple of minor other things were addressed - some skin irritations in particular - and the doc said she could get some cream for those.  At that she walked out of the room.  

We sat waiting, thinking she would return to talk.  In about 10 minutes an aid came in and asked if Bethany was dressed yet.  I said we were waiting for the doctor to come back!  She said that the doctor had completed her job and also said that the visit would be 90 dollars instead of 45 after adding the annual exam.  

At this point I was whirling a bit and insisted that we see the doctor as the problem had not yet been addressed.  The aid left saying she would check and not long afterwards the doctor returned, stuck her head in the door and said that there was nothing she could do!!  I pushed back and complained that we had not even had a chance to discuss the reason we were there!  She said she was sorry, but that it was not a problem she could help us with.  I kept pushing and asking for help, referrals, compassion....ANYTHING.  She stood her ground saying she had nothing to offer.

I was stupefied, but managed to grab our things and get Bethany down the hallway to the waiting area while I took care of the bill and whatever else I might think of in desperation!  I reminded the receptionist that the doctor had promised a prescription for a skin cream that we had not yet gotten.  As she was fumbling for that I also reminded her why we had made the appointment in the first place....that it was for the pain Bethany was experiencing and that the 45.00 quoted to me on the phone had now grown to 90.00.  I also reminded them that Bethany's insurance would not cover it, my husband was out of work, and we had not anticipated paying more than the 45.00 office visit, even though she was due for an annual exam.  And, I told her that we had been to so many doctors in the previous year that the annual exam was probably not even necessary except that I thought it might help the doctor to be better familiar with Bethany's problems at that time.

My tears were leaking almost as quickly as my heart was pounding by that time, but we marched out - crutches and all - with Bethany hobbling, asking questions and trying to make sense out of what had just happened!  I vowed to never return, yet was burdened by the thought of now having to start over if we were to seek more medical help.  

The next stop:  Physical Therapy.  This was the second part of our day.  We arrived, still with an even more exhausted daughter on crutches, to discover that our appointment had not made their books for some reason!  I showed the receptionists the paper work that had been mailed to us after I had scheduled the appointment, proving that we had done so!  She made a call and before I knew it there were three people working on getting us "squeezed in" since we didn't seem to officially have an appointment.  There were a number of questions, paperwork and shuffling before they said we would be able to get in to see a Physical Therapist, though it wouldn't be the one we had originally scheduled with, who happens to be a good friend of ours.  Two and a half hours later we were leaving the building after we had been shown a few exercises to help Bethany's broken leg heal.

I have to say that our therapist friend found us after learning we were there, and in fact worked on doing us some scheduling favors in the days ahead.  It truly did redeem that part of our day and I am indeed thankful for dear friends!  

Tonight I sit here writing as it is my therapy!  When the waves hit today, it took some time for me to come to the surface!!  I sit with a bit of a swollen face and a tired heart, but once again have found my Source.  God is still bigger than, yes, even the ocean's waves!  Part of trusting in Him is believing in what we cannot see.  Our hope is not in what we have experienced or even what we might be tempted to fear!  Jesus' hope went beyond the cross.  Mine too, must go beyond the crosses or sacrifices of life.  I know my God can heal.  I believe He wants better in this life for our Bethany.  We will seek Him and keep asking for her peace and healing.  In the meantime, we will continue to be open and ask for His direction if there are doctors or other people He might want us to continue to see or seek out.  

I write because it is helpful for me.  I share hoping it might be helpful to another going through similar challenges.

"Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen."  Hebrews 11:1

Bethany

These early spring beauties are brilliant and breathtaking.  Azaleas and Rhododendrons...just around the corner here in the mid-west!  Check em' out at the Botanical Gardens.  It is truly a walk to remember when they are in full bloom!  Just another master-piece, compliments of the Master!

Lovin' the sunshine!

This is a photo of the Jordan river taken several years ago when I was in Israel.  What a peaceful place.  Believers from all over the globe tend to congregate here, and each day there are baptisms performed for all who would like to re-commit their lives or simply be re-baptized in the river where Jesus stood.  There is indeed something powerful and precious about walking where Jesus walked and experiencing the areas where His ministry and miracles took place.  

Something that dawned on me yet again while in that place is that His presence remains with us wherever we are!  Though being in that land was an adventure of great spiritual meaning, the reality of His living inside my heart is all the more life-sustaining and inspiring!  He promises to take up residence within our heart when we ask Him to be our Lord and Savior.  His constant companionship through the Holy Spirit is an enormous treasure!  The Bible says that the very same Spirit that raised Jesus from the dead suddenly comes to live and dwell inside us!! There is something incredibly great about that!  

Baptism by water is something Jesus modeled and instructed us to do out of obedience.  In some ways it is like a ceremony for others to witness that He has washed away our sins as we have asked Him to forgive and accept us as we are.  He is gracious and merciful to do just that!  He also promises to baptize us with fire, which is a word that describes His power and passion that takes up residence within our hearts when we invite Him to do so!  I don't know about you, but I want the whole heavenly package - the forgiveness - and the fire!  

Lord, forgive us.  Wash us clean in the waters of Your love and baptism.  Fill us with the power and fire of Your Holy Spirit so that we can represent You in the highest and holiest way!  

"But if the Spirit of Him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, He who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit who dwells in you."  Romans 8:11

"And why are you worried about clothing?  Observe how the lilies of the field grow; they do not toil nor do they spin.  So do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will care for itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own."  Matthew 6:28, 33, 34

Yes, I have to daily remind myself of this.  And sometimes God takes me around the mountain to learn it - again!  Thanks for Your enduring patience with me, Lord, and...help my unbelief!  

Spring has sprung!  Life is revving up and will soon take on a blanket of color and activity.   Isn't God amazing?  

I have a curious nature - especially when it comes to history and stories.  I have spent many an hour listening to my dad, my grandpa and my uncles tell stories.  These tales had a way of capturing me and taking me to another place and time, taunting my imagination and inviting me to "pretend" as if present!  Sometimes it took my making the decision to sit and listen enough to become involved in the story, but once I had walked through that "gate" I was there for the endurance!  Those stories often went on for hours as we sat on grandma's back porch sharing a cold watermelon or freshly baked berry cobbler.

It seems the art of story-telling all too often gets lost in the shuffle of busy life these days.  I miss the slow Sunday afternoons when everyone put down the plows, pens and paychecks to simply enjoy one another.  The smell of a hot pot of chicken n dumplins' usually inspired pulling out the benches and chairs and an anticipated afternoon of memories and chuckles!

I would encourage us all to take more time to open the gate and walk through.  Grab a stool or a cold iced tea and let the conversations begin!  Maybe we need to allow the colors of life to spring up more often.  Maybe a little laughter and time to reminisce would be good medicine for us all!