It takes quite a lot to make me cry.  I am generally a very upbeat and positive kind of person!  Even when my cup is half-empty, I tend to see half-full.  Don't get me wrong...I have had plenty of disappointments and challenges in my life.  However, I have typically been able to turn to God, let go of the load, and realize that He is on the throne when the waves of life are over my head!  

Today frustration, aggravation and exhaustion pulled me under and slammed me to the rocky bottom.  I did not even see it coming before I was gasping for air and swallowing water!  We have been praying, waiting, hoping, trusting and doing all we know in the natural realm to see our 31 year old daughter well again after at least two years of chronic pain.  She already has learning disabilities as a result of an unforgiving disease called Tuberous Sclerosis, which is yet another story I will not even begin to go into here.  Awhile back Bethany developed severe pain after a lithotripsy procedure for kidney stones (brought on by seizure medications).  She has been in constant pain ever since!  (To add to her difficulties, about 3 months ago, she fell on the stairs in our home and also broke her leg near her ankle and has been in added pain as she is healing from that.)  

During these years of this unexplained pain, we have prayed, believed, trusted, wept, sought and knocked on heaven's door.  We have been to doctors, specialists, pain management centers, and physical therapists.  She has been radiated, agitated, prepped and probed.  We have traveled and travailed, hoped and held fast to promises and progress for her.    

Today we went to yet another doctor, to whose secretary I had explained my daughter's problems over the phone.  We arrived at the medical center, got our "Bessie" into the building - on crutches - which has plenty of challenges all its own, and waited for our turn to be called in to see the doctor.  In the examination room, we were told she was due for an annual check-up, to which I agreed thinking it was a part of the quoted price - particularly after stating again where her pain was located, and thinking a physical check might actually help the doctor to get updated after a few months had gone by.  

While the doc was checking her, we talked about all her symptoms and the great level of pain she constantly experiences, fully expecting some discussion.  A couple of minor other things were addressed - some skin irritations in particular - and the doc said she could get some cream for those.  At that she walked out of the room.  

We sat waiting, thinking she would return to talk.  In about 10 minutes an aid came in and asked if Bethany was dressed yet.  I said we were waiting for the doctor to come back!  She said that the doctor had completed her job and also said that the visit would be 90 dollars instead of 45 after adding the annual exam.  

At this point I was whirling a bit and insisted that we see the doctor as the problem had not yet been addressed.  The aid left saying she would check and not long afterwards the doctor returned, stuck her head in the door and said that there was nothing she could do!!  I pushed back and complained that we had not even had a chance to discuss the reason we were there!  She said she was sorry, but that it was not a problem she could help us with.  I kept pushing and asking for help, referrals, compassion....ANYTHING.  She stood her ground saying she had nothing to offer.

I was stupefied, but managed to grab our things and get Bethany down the hallway to the waiting area while I took care of the bill and whatever else I might think of in desperation!  I reminded the receptionist that the doctor had promised a prescription for a skin cream that we had not yet gotten.  As she was fumbling for that I also reminded her why we had made the appointment in the first place....that it was for the pain Bethany was experiencing and that the 45.00 quoted to me on the phone had now grown to 90.00.  I also reminded them that Bethany's insurance would not cover it, my husband was out of work, and we had not anticipated paying more than the 45.00 office visit, even though she was due for an annual exam.  And, I told her that we had been to so many doctors in the previous year that the annual exam was probably not even necessary except that I thought it might help the doctor to be better familiar with Bethany's problems at that time.

My tears were leaking almost as quickly as my heart was pounding by that time, but we marched out - crutches and all - with Bethany hobbling, asking questions and trying to make sense out of what had just happened!  I vowed to never return, yet was burdened by the thought of now having to start over if we were to seek more medical help.  

The next stop:  Physical Therapy.  This was the second part of our day.  We arrived, still with an even more exhausted daughter on crutches, to discover that our appointment had not made their books for some reason!  I showed the receptionists the paper work that had been mailed to us after I had scheduled the appointment, proving that we had done so!  She made a call and before I knew it there were three people working on getting us "squeezed in" since we didn't seem to officially have an appointment.  There were a number of questions, paperwork and shuffling before they said we would be able to get in to see a Physical Therapist, though it wouldn't be the one we had originally scheduled with, who happens to be a good friend of ours.  Two and a half hours later we were leaving the building after we had been shown a few exercises to help Bethany's broken leg heal.

I have to say that our therapist friend found us after learning we were there, and in fact worked on doing us some scheduling favors in the days ahead.  It truly did redeem that part of our day and I am indeed thankful for dear friends!  

Tonight I sit here writing as it is my therapy!  When the waves hit today, it took some time for me to come to the surface!!  I sit with a bit of a swollen face and a tired heart, but once again have found my Source.  God is still bigger than, yes, even the ocean's waves!  Part of trusting in Him is believing in what we cannot see.  Our hope is not in what we have experienced or even what we might be tempted to fear!  Jesus' hope went beyond the cross.  Mine too, must go beyond the crosses or sacrifices of life.  I know my God can heal.  I believe He wants better in this life for our Bethany.  We will seek Him and keep asking for her peace and healing.  In the meantime, we will continue to be open and ask for His direction if there are doctors or other people He might want us to continue to see or seek out.  

I write because it is helpful for me.  I share hoping it might be helpful to another going through similar challenges.

"Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen."  Hebrews 11:1

Bethany